This is a continuation of my previous article "
The path of the switcher in ITthat I'm useful. I had a lot of enthusiasm at the time and it was fun. So, on the first project, in my first company, I was lucky and got into a good team with interesting people from whom I tried to learn from experience (it's interesting that these were people specific to the layman's eye. At times very black humor, explosive character, some drank like hell, but were cheerful, but this is so, a lyrical digression). Thanks to the fact that I worked very hard, I proved myself very well. I didn’t work hard because I didn’t have time (as I previously read on various forums, they say, if you sit up at work, then you are a worthless specialist). I just enjoyed working and couldn't stop. All the tasks that I received were connected in one way or another or based on one another. And having finished with one task, I immediately moved on to another on the machine. Time passed, and after a year of such work, I realized that I had burned out. It is logical. Whatever you read, whatever you watch, the average person cannot live all the time only in work and with lack of sleep. In the end, he faces the consequences. And so they began to overtake me. I burned out. Tasks that I could solve in half a day, I stretched out for a day. Hands simply did not stand to work. I sorted through the tasks and tried to do only what was more or less interesting. And delayed those that were not interesting. Worked through force. It seemed to me that this was because I stayed too long on one project, and I had to move on to another, with a newer and more diverse stack. And at some point, I did just that. They didn’t want to let me go from the current project, so I had to get two souls instead of myself and transfer the expertise.😄 And so I switched to another project, And at first it was really interesting. But here again I made the same mistake. I didn't limit my working hours. It seemed to me that what happened on the last project was natural, and I just needed new technologies. Nifiga. It took me a couple of months. On the new project, I already had more responsibility. I had to delve deeper into business issues and align requirements. I was even offered to move to business analytics. But I refused. It was, of course, very interesting to travel to different countries and communicate with business, but I did not want to spend a lot of time away from my family. I have already seen what it can lead to. I didn't like the prospect. Yes, I love programming. And of course, I believed that programming is a more stable craft than being a manager / business analyst. Time passed and I got more and more tired. Plus, I was not happy with the lack of progress. There were fewer interesting tasks, the stack did not change, and I began to feel that life was passing me by, and this was depressing. I tried to learn new technologies, but when you are constantly working, there is simply no time to do this. Moreover, the company in which I worked was very fond of squeezing out employees. Row-row! Well done! Keep it up. Then, when I began to work less due to the second burnout, I could no longer learn anything, because the information simply was not absorbed. Plus, the study of any information was associated with work, and this caused rejection on a subconscious level. It was a vicious circle. Among other things, it was also pressing that my girlfriend at that time was already earning much more than me. Yes, she started working earlier. But for men, this does not play a big role. Fact is fact. In short, the situation is unpleasant. I started having problems with thinking and memory. I began to forget things that happened five minutes ago. Attention became scattered. Only long-term memory worked plus or minus, and even then with reservations. What happened a long time ago, I remembered, but as if in a fog and with difficulty. It was extremely difficult to concentrate on anything. I started to get dumb. It seemed to me that this could be a physiological problem, and I began to drink vitamins. Went to a neurologist. And then, of course, I made the wrong choice. I went to a specialist close to home. It was an adult man who listened to me, looked frowningly and said that I should not talk nonsense and I could not have anything like that. It's all, they say, nonsense. By the way, I was told something similar in my childhood when I had a headache. They said that I was a child and I simply could not get sick. And I do suffer from migraines. Just in case, Ginko Biloba was discharged. The doctor turned out to be another mouflon. You are a doctor and you must help. If you meet them, don't listen. So I listened to him, and that made me even more despondent. I decided that I was really inventing everything for myself, and tried to load myself even more. Fool. At that time, I had already thought about changing the company for a long time. But he doubted himself and underestimated. I thought that my level of knowledge was less than my badge, and at some point I was ready to agree to move to another company for a lower fee, but in the hope of upgrading my skills. I even tried to pass an interview at a company that a former colleague advised me, talked to hr and announced that my level might be lower now, but I am ready to develop. I underestimated myself. Fool again. As a result, I received a logical answer, without even reaching the technical security. I was told by hr that, unfortunately, they don’t need juniors now, and, they say, they will write in the future (and in the current company I was already a middle. Although this is a very relative thing). Of course, I got upset. But I made a positive conclusion for myself that at least I did not fail to communicate in English) I thought that I barely had a pre-intermediate level. Actually, nothing. I was just very unsure of myself.
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Then my friend offered to go to his company, and I sent my resume. But a little late. They've already hired a man for his project. After that, I once again got so good. I tried to learn the language, study technology, etc. Due to burnout and moral depression, this was difficult. After a while, I once again received an invitation to chat on LinkedIn. Just from a friend's company. I decided "why not". I didn't lose anything. It seemed to me that if I know little, well, figs with him. I'll confirm my guess. In the end, a failed social security is also useful. You can find out in which direction to pull up. I was scheduled for an interview in English first. Just to check the language. Naturally, I was afraid of failing. And although I attended English classes with a teacher, I could not communicate freely. I dashed off what I want to tell, in a thesis, added American parasitic words (a very useful thing if you don’t speak the language well to disguise pauses for reflection) and went through social security. Then hr wrote to me that everything suits them and there will be a technical security service. Of course, I was afraid of this. I knew little. It turned out not. I passed it with a whistle. When the official working day in my company ended, I went to another office and went through it online. The only thing I got very frustratingly stuck on was a topic that I knew very well. It was a database question. I really enjoyed writing SQL queries. How to solve a crossword. Moreover, in the current company, I had many tasks to write such queries, which could be 50-100 lines long, due to the peculiarities of the database structure. I was asked to write a simple query, and I was so worried that I could not think. I nearly collapsed out of shame. He was very angry with himself. As if he fell into a stupor. I wrote the request, but not in the way I wanted and could. Then my friends told me that this is a normal topic. This often happens. As a result, despite such snags, I passed this interview, and I was already invited to the office. And then in the evening my friend, who was on a business trip, wrote to me. He asked what I have and how. Well, he said that a vacancy had opened up on their project. Well, I told him that I had already passed the security clearances in his company, but for a different project. He asked to wait and offered to talk to his manager. Of course, I was a little worried, because it's one thing when you go to a company where there are no friends. You worry that you will make mistakes, but not like that when you go to your own. Because the responsibility is growing. Last thing, what you want to do is somehow let your friend down by not justifying his trust. But he told me not to worry and that he saw me work (he knew that in spite of everything, I was a workaholic). And it so happened that after such communication at one in the morning, I was intercepted by my friend's project. 😄 Then nothing special. Again stepped on the same rake. Because of the enthusiasm, he worked like an ox. But it was interesting. I worked nights again for a long time. We had a customer from the USA, and I used to call them at three in the morning, my time, and the technical lead literally persuaded me to go to bed. As a result, I gained expertise quickly enough and the customer was satisfied. Then I got married and changed my last name, which surprised a lot of people 😂 (In case of possible strange questions, I will answer directly. My wife wanted to take my last name, but here I didn’t want us to wear it. Moreover, I have been thinking about changing it this way for a long time😄) Preparing for a wedding is a special process, no matter what anyone says. After 10 years of living with another person, marriage is an absolutely logical and beautiful stage. Many persuaded us to go even earlier just to sign, but we did not see the point. And now we had a desire and were well placed to afford the kind of wedding we wanted without the help of parents and outsiders. We turned to the agency, and they arranged everything for us from A to Z. The preparation process absorbed us completely and gave us a lot of moral strength. Both I and my future wife enjoyed it. And although the wedding itself flew by for us very quickly, we remembered it for the rest of our lives, like all our relatives and friends. As expected (I can’t stand this phrase), immediately after the wedding we flew off on a trip to Italy and got high there too. For we are very fond of traveling, delicious food and good wine. Both that, and another, and the third in Italy with a head. Well, then after a while it started to cover me again. I worked at the same pace and spent all the energy I received from one of the most exciting events in my life. Productivity started dropping again. Memory became very let down. Thinking also dropped. I became a brake again. It's a disgusting feeling. In fact, it was a constant fierce struggle with oneself.
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Then quarantine happened, which also threw up problems. Haven't been out for a few years. The lack of new emotions and impressions from travel hurts the nervous system. Last year, we could not stand it anymore and went to western Ukraine in the fall. We just took a vacation and went in the off-season, when most of everything is closed there. We rented a house near the river and forest with a fireplace and enjoyed the silence. We really wanted to sleep off, and rainy foggy weather contributed to this. In fact, it is an incredible feeling to see the river and mountains shrouded in mist and clouds from your balcony. Such majestic serenity. It helped to relax. We just wanted to sleep. Permanently. This is a very bad state when you just want to sleep every day, every hour, no matter how much you sleep at night, no matter how much you play sports. Vitamins don't help. nor rest. After two weeks of vacation in western Ukraine, we returned and realized that nothing had changed. We were still exhausted. Therefore, we decided to rent a house by the sea next summer, since we live in Odessa. But the summer was still far away, and we just continued to work. I even took on an additional project to make it interesting and earn extra money. It would be better not to do this. There were days when I slept three hours a night. It was tryndets. As you may have noticed, I have not now told what happened during the time that has passed since the wedding. Didn't tell because there was nothing. Every day work and nothing more. I don’t even remember that time well, because there’s nothing to grab hold of the memory. So it goes. And then the thrash started. My grandmother became very ill. We have treated her before. She had hepatitis C and thanks to a good doctor and medicines from abroad, it was possible to remove the virus from the body. But now another disease has come. We immediately turned to the most expensive clinic that was in Odessa, hoping to quickly find out what the problem was and eliminate it. Plus, I wanted my grandmother to be comfortable. She was the only person who raised me and took care of me and my sister, while my fathers abandoned me and my sister, and my mother sold the apartment and went on money (so we didn’t have our own house and if anyone watches the KUJI podcast, you should have heard the heading "€ * learning geography". Well, that's about me. I have lived all the time in at least 15 different not the best places in the city. Most likely more, but I must remember), I drank heavily, constantly caught a squirrel and tried attack and beat everyone. By the way, small lyrical digression. It was generally fun with my father😄 Having matured a little, I began to communicate with relatives on my father's side. They all treated me well. And there I began to hear that my father left precisely because of my mother, and they say that he is not so bad. I tried to contact him back in school, but it didn't work out. Then, already studying at the university, I tried to contact again, to which I received unflattering words addressed to me from him. But then I already started to answer him and he calmed down and said that if there were any problems or questions, I could contact him. Well, it so happened that I needed money to pay for the semester, and there was a delay in my salary at my work. And I wrote to him. I was very surprised when he made an appointment. At the appointed time, we met in a cafe and started talking. I will not describe everything, but in short, he gave $ 300 for half a year, gave the number of the current account where to return the money later (also in dollars. It sucks. It was with the exchange rate, many remember), and forced me to write a receipt. Well, then poured mud on top. I was so shocked that I couldn't even answer. I returned the money on time. Some relatives later, when they found out what and how it happened, did not believe at the beginning. But I showed them my receipt and dialogues on Facebook, and of course they were upset. Here's a good reason for you to change your last name😂. For in relation to me, for me it sounds like an insult. But let's continue. Unfortunately, we could not cope with the disease. The clinic only sucked money and could not even make an accurate diagnosis. At a certain point, I despaired and already turned to the oncology dispensary with a bunch of examinations that we conducted. And they already told me that they did not understand, why the clinic has not yet prescribed strong painkillers, since it was already the last stage of cancer and metastases spread throughout the body. The doctors of the clinic wanted to carry out radiation therapy in combination with chemo. And there was no point in doing it. Grandma was walking away. We had previously realized that most likely there was little chance, but I tried to drive all emotions away and calmly make decisions. So we lived until the summer, and in July my grandmother passed away. This is a very strange feeling. You lose a dear person, but no matter how terrible it sounds, it becomes easier. Because you're just tired of hearing the word cancer every day. I am silent how many conflicts my wife and I had during this time. She took it very close to her and talked about it every day, and I wanted to not hear about the treatment for at least a day. And that's it. And I understood. that I don't feel anything. Only fatigue. Fatigue from this treatment and work (no one canceled work). And guilt for not feeling anything. Then, a week after the funeral, I began to cover not like a child. I went to my family doctor, and she decided to start by prescribing magnesium, light sedatives, undergoing examinations, etc. I drank them, underwent examinations, which showed that I was physiologically normal, but, of course, all this did not help. And I again turned to a neurologist. At that moment, I woke up every day and fell asleep with only one thought: “I can’t do this anymore.” I was haunted by panic attacks. No matter what anyone thinks, but this is not fiction. This is a disgusting feeling of wild inexplicable fear and overwhelming anxiety with no apparent trigger. The pulse is immediately to the Moon, there is nothing to breathe and I want to run and hide. When I had 4 panic attacks in a month, I could no longer endure it. The solar plexus burned non-stop. The neuropathologist looked at all the examinations, appointments, listened to me and said that antidepressants with tranquilizers are already needed here (for the first time) and insisted that I contact a psychotherapist. It should be noted that I have always been a cheerful and cheerful person, despite all the circumstances. My friends never saw me differently. Yes, I was like that myself. I just felt at times that it was hard and bad inside me, but I always believed in the best. I tried not to think about the bad. So I didn't really think that this could happen to me. And now several months have passed, as I am actively being treated and visiting a psychotherapist. My wife too😄 When I was just going to the doctor, set a goal - to get out of this state as quickly as possible, because I really did not like it. We finally realized that we were very worn out and now it's time to take care of ourselves. It became clear that all this time we suppressed all the problems and did not pay attention to them, because it is not permissible to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks. because it is unacceptable to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks. because it is unacceptable to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks.
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Now we are still doing the same. For now, I've given myself the opportunity to rest more. I don't recycle. I don't go to overtime anymore. At all. Any overtime is not worth the effort that will be spent on recovery. I don't mess with it anymore. Need to hold a rally with a customer? The customer has time until eight in the evening. After seven I stop working, and after eight I stop answering messages and calls. Fortunately, the states understand this. By the way, another reason why I don’t like working with clients from the CIS is the lack of understanding that people should have a life outside of work. Day off, holiday, night. Spit. They expect you to always be in touch. It may seem to some that this is a weakness and not worthy of the behavior of a specialist. But I'm not a geek and for me it's just a job. The time when there were only passionate individuals in programming is long gone. Business needs a result, and geeks can’t be torn apart by everyone, and they don’t want to. Creative individuals are not interested in the needs of ordinary business. And at this moment, ordinary people come who are ready to do a certain job for a certain time and money. I love my job, I like and am interested in what I do. But it's just a job, not my life. And now, after hours, I don't talk about programming, and my friends also know that I don't like these topics. And they themselves also try not to talk about work. Also tired. Which of these do I want to highlight? I want to emphasize that the enthusiasm caused by getting into the IT field is good. And if you are a beginner June, then of course it is better to use this enthusiasm to good use. But then you need to learn how to balance and clearly draw the line between work and life. If you're not a geek, which is most likely then you don't want to turn your life into constant programming and work. Therefore, you need to find a balance. I highly recommend finding a hobby. For example, I go karting with my friends and started going to extreme driving courses. It helps to cheer up and clear the brain. It's just that cafes, cinemas and walks get bored over time (there are no more new establishments or routes in the city), and you start to mope. Sport is also a very important part. Due to the fact that we still have a more sedentary style of work, we need to have a certain amount of physical activity. I'm not talking about bodybuilding, but doing light exercises in the gym is very useful. Swimming, in my opinion, is a very good option. But the main thing is to keep a balance and not run into something. For me, this is hard to do. If I focus on something then pru without stopping. So you need to know the measure. And take care of your health. I highly recommend getting checked out once a year. By the age of thirty, you will begin to notice that health is no longer for 20 years. The sooner you start taking care of your body, the better it will be for you. And cheaper. Both in terms of time and money. By the way, I recommend considering money exactly as converted time. As for me, this makes them wiser to dispose of. Because this conversion is one-sided. Time is the most valuable resource for a normal person. Well, if you have anxiety or a difficult situation in life, I recommend that you contact a psychotherapist. No joke, very helpful. You don't talk to your friends like that. There are things that are difficult to admit even to oneself. And a psychotherapist is a person who will not judge you, and whose task is to help you. I have never told anyone everything that torments me in the form in which I laid it out to the psychotherapist. And it helped me a lot. It turned out that I am a normal person with normal problems... Yes. The therapist says what we already know, but there is one big BUT. He asks the right questions at the right time, while you yourself cannot ask them like that, and, accordingly, you cannot break the internal conflict. And if you don't break it, it will flash all the time, even when you don't think about it. The only point is that it is important to find your specialist. I did not immediately find the right one for me. During the first two sessions, you will understand whether it suits you or not. My indicator was that after the session I came out without anxiety and more peaceful. So, as you can see, the nervous system is a complex and interesting thing. She can tolerate your inattention for a long time, but at one point he will say “sorry, dude, I have a serious conversation with you.” As a result: balance, do not run out of steam. Working as a proger is often just a job. This is not a fairy tale. Yes, the work is not dusty and it pays well. And it is thanks to her that I can afford expensive treatment and psychotherapy sessions. And expensive rest, of course, and a hobby. But it's just work. Therefore, one should not forget to live. Otherwise, at one moment you will look back and realize that you do not remember what happened over the past years. Because you've only had a job over the years. But I will not end sad, especially since there is nothing to be sad about. In fact, this is all experience and it shows that there is always a way out and you need to want to find it. No need to think that everything will be bad. I always thought that ahead everything would be fine anyway. Even in very difficult times. And I recommend that you do the same. Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉
The path of the switcher in IT v3.0 "May the Force be with you" 🖖 (I know that this is a symbol from Star Trek 😄)
![Switcher path in IT v2.0 - 4]()
Then my friend offered to go to his company, and I sent my resume. But a little late. They've already hired a man for his project. After that, I once again got so good. I tried to learn the language, study technology, etc. Due to burnout and moral depression, this was difficult. After a while, I once again received an invitation to chat on LinkedIn. Just from a friend's company. I decided "why not". I didn't lose anything. It seemed to me that if I know little, well, figs with him. I'll confirm my guess. In the end, a failed social security is also useful. You can find out in which direction to pull up. I was scheduled for an interview in English first. Just to check the language. Naturally, I was afraid of failing. And although I attended English classes with a teacher, I could not communicate freely. I dashed off what I want to tell, in a thesis, added American parasitic words (a very useful thing if you don’t speak the language well to disguise pauses for reflection) and went through social security. Then hr wrote to me that everything suits them and there will be a technical security service. Of course, I was afraid of this. I knew little. It turned out not. I passed it with a whistle. When the official working day in my company ended, I went to another office and went through it online. The only thing I got very frustratingly stuck on was a topic that I knew very well. It was a database question. I really enjoyed writing SQL queries. How to solve a crossword. Moreover, in the current company, I had many tasks to write such queries, which could be 50-100 lines long, due to the peculiarities of the database structure. I was asked to write a simple query, and I was so worried that I could not think. I nearly collapsed out of shame. He was very angry with himself. As if he fell into a stupor. I wrote the request, but not in the way I wanted and could. Then my friends told me that this is a normal topic. This often happens. As a result, despite such snags, I passed this interview, and I was already invited to the office. And then in the evening my friend, who was on a business trip, wrote to me. He asked what I have and how. Well, he said that a vacancy had opened up on their project. Well, I told him that I had already passed the security clearances in his company, but for a different project. He asked to wait and offered to talk to his manager. Of course, I was a little worried, because it's one thing when you go to a company where there are no friends. You worry that you will make mistakes, but not like that when you go to your own. Because the responsibility is growing. Last thing, what you want to do is somehow let your friend down by not justifying his trust. But he told me not to worry and that he saw me work (he knew that in spite of everything, I was a workaholic). And it so happened that after such communication at one in the morning, I was intercepted by my friend's project. 😄 Then nothing special. Again stepped on the same rake. Because of the enthusiasm, he worked like an ox. But it was interesting. I worked nights again for a long time. We had a customer from the USA, and I used to call them at three in the morning, my time, and the technical lead literally persuaded me to go to bed. As a result, I gained expertise quickly enough and the customer was satisfied. Then I got married and changed my last name, which surprised a lot of people 😂 (In case of possible strange questions, I will answer directly. My wife wanted to take my last name, but here I didn’t want us to wear it. Moreover, I have been thinking about changing it this way for a long time😄) Preparing for a wedding is a special process, no matter what anyone says. After 10 years of living with another person, marriage is an absolutely logical and beautiful stage. Many persuaded us to go even earlier just to sign, but we did not see the point. And now we had a desire and were well placed to afford the kind of wedding we wanted without the help of parents and outsiders. We turned to the agency, and they arranged everything for us from A to Z. The preparation process absorbed us completely and gave us a lot of moral strength. Both I and my future wife enjoyed it. And although the wedding itself flew by for us very quickly, we remembered it for the rest of our lives, like all our relatives and friends. As expected (I can’t stand this phrase), immediately after the wedding we flew off on a trip to Italy and got high there too. For we are very fond of traveling, delicious food and good wine. Both that, and another, and the third in Italy with a head. Well, then after a while it started to cover me again. I worked at the same pace and spent all the energy I received from one of the most exciting events in my life. Productivity started dropping again. Memory became very let down. Thinking also dropped. I became a brake again. It's a disgusting feeling. In fact, it was a constant fierce struggle with oneself. 
Then quarantine happened, which also threw up problems. Haven't been out for a few years. The lack of new emotions and impressions from travel hurts the nervous system. Last year, we could not stand it anymore and went to western Ukraine in the fall. We just took a vacation and went in the off-season, when most of everything is closed there. We rented a house near the river and forest with a fireplace and enjoyed the silence. We really wanted to sleep off, and rainy foggy weather contributed to this. In fact, it is an incredible feeling to see the river and mountains shrouded in mist and clouds from your balcony. Such majestic serenity. It helped to relax. We just wanted to sleep. Permanently. This is a very bad state when you just want to sleep every day, every hour, no matter how much you sleep at night, no matter how much you play sports. Vitamins don't help. nor rest. After two weeks of vacation in western Ukraine, we returned and realized that nothing had changed. We were still exhausted. Therefore, we decided to rent a house by the sea next summer, since we live in Odessa. But the summer was still far away, and we just continued to work. I even took on an additional project to make it interesting and earn extra money. It would be better not to do this. There were days when I slept three hours a night. It was tryndets. As you may have noticed, I have not now told what happened during the time that has passed since the wedding. Didn't tell because there was nothing. Every day work and nothing more. I don’t even remember that time well, because there’s nothing to grab hold of the memory. So it goes. And then the thrash started. My grandmother became very ill. We have treated her before. She had hepatitis C and thanks to a good doctor and medicines from abroad, it was possible to remove the virus from the body. But now another disease has come. We immediately turned to the most expensive clinic that was in Odessa, hoping to quickly find out what the problem was and eliminate it. Plus, I wanted my grandmother to be comfortable. She was the only person who raised me and took care of me and my sister, while my fathers abandoned me and my sister, and my mother sold the apartment and went on money (so we didn’t have our own house and if anyone watches the KUJI podcast, you should have heard the heading "€ * learning geography". Well, that's about me. I have lived all the time in at least 15 different not the best places in the city. Most likely more, but I must remember), I drank heavily, constantly caught a squirrel and tried attack and beat everyone. By the way, small lyrical digression. It was generally fun with my father😄 Having matured a little, I began to communicate with relatives on my father's side. They all treated me well. And there I began to hear that my father left precisely because of my mother, and they say that he is not so bad. I tried to contact him back in school, but it didn't work out. Then, already studying at the university, I tried to contact again, to which I received unflattering words addressed to me from him. But then I already started to answer him and he calmed down and said that if there were any problems or questions, I could contact him. Well, it so happened that I needed money to pay for the semester, and there was a delay in my salary at my work. And I wrote to him. I was very surprised when he made an appointment. At the appointed time, we met in a cafe and started talking. I will not describe everything, but in short, he gave $ 300 for half a year, gave the number of the current account where to return the money later (also in dollars. It sucks. It was with the exchange rate, many remember), and forced me to write a receipt. Well, then poured mud on top. I was so shocked that I couldn't even answer. I returned the money on time. Some relatives later, when they found out what and how it happened, did not believe at the beginning. But I showed them my receipt and dialogues on Facebook, and of course they were upset. Here's a good reason for you to change your last name😂. For in relation to me, for me it sounds like an insult. But let's continue. Unfortunately, we could not cope with the disease. The clinic only sucked money and could not even make an accurate diagnosis. At a certain point, I despaired and already turned to the oncology dispensary with a bunch of examinations that we conducted. And they already told me that they did not understand, why the clinic has not yet prescribed strong painkillers, since it was already the last stage of cancer and metastases spread throughout the body. The doctors of the clinic wanted to carry out radiation therapy in combination with chemo. And there was no point in doing it. Grandma was walking away. We had previously realized that most likely there was little chance, but I tried to drive all emotions away and calmly make decisions. So we lived until the summer, and in July my grandmother passed away. This is a very strange feeling. You lose a dear person, but no matter how terrible it sounds, it becomes easier. Because you're just tired of hearing the word cancer every day. I am silent how many conflicts my wife and I had during this time. She took it very close to her and talked about it every day, and I wanted to not hear about the treatment for at least a day. And that's it. And I understood. that I don't feel anything. Only fatigue. Fatigue from this treatment and work (no one canceled work). And guilt for not feeling anything. Then, a week after the funeral, I began to cover not like a child. I went to my family doctor, and she decided to start by prescribing magnesium, light sedatives, undergoing examinations, etc. I drank them, underwent examinations, which showed that I was physiologically normal, but, of course, all this did not help. And I again turned to a neurologist. At that moment, I woke up every day and fell asleep with only one thought: “I can’t do this anymore.” I was haunted by panic attacks. No matter what anyone thinks, but this is not fiction. This is a disgusting feeling of wild inexplicable fear and overwhelming anxiety with no apparent trigger. The pulse is immediately to the Moon, there is nothing to breathe and I want to run and hide. When I had 4 panic attacks in a month, I could no longer endure it. The solar plexus burned non-stop. The neuropathologist looked at all the examinations, appointments, listened to me and said that antidepressants with tranquilizers are already needed here (for the first time) and insisted that I contact a psychotherapist. It should be noted that I have always been a cheerful and cheerful person, despite all the circumstances. My friends never saw me differently. Yes, I was like that myself. I just felt at times that it was hard and bad inside me, but I always believed in the best. I tried not to think about the bad. So I didn't really think that this could happen to me. And now several months have passed, as I am actively being treated and visiting a psychotherapist. My wife too😄 When I was just going to the doctor, set a goal - to get out of this state as quickly as possible, because I really did not like it. We finally realized that we were very worn out and now it's time to take care of ourselves. It became clear that all this time we suppressed all the problems and did not pay attention to them, because it is not permissible to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks. because it is unacceptable to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks. because it is unacceptable to be weak. You can't give yourself a break. So we thought. But it turned out that this was an erroneous opinion, which was cultivated for a very long time and continues to be cultivated (especially in the CIS). Man is not a machine. Yes, and the machine also tends to break down with time and loads. Therefore, it is better to give yourself rest, be attentive to yourself and avoid kinks. 
Now we are still doing the same. For now, I've given myself the opportunity to rest more. I don't recycle. I don't go to overtime anymore. At all. Any overtime is not worth the effort that will be spent on recovery. I don't mess with it anymore. Need to hold a rally with a customer? The customer has time until eight in the evening. After seven I stop working, and after eight I stop answering messages and calls. Fortunately, the states understand this. By the way, another reason why I don’t like working with clients from the CIS is the lack of understanding that people should have a life outside of work. Day off, holiday, night. Spit. They expect you to always be in touch. It may seem to some that this is a weakness and not worthy of the behavior of a specialist. But I'm not a geek and for me it's just a job. The time when there were only passionate individuals in programming is long gone. Business needs a result, and geeks can’t be torn apart by everyone, and they don’t want to. Creative individuals are not interested in the needs of ordinary business. And at this moment, ordinary people come who are ready to do a certain job for a certain time and money. I love my job, I like and am interested in what I do. But it's just a job, not my life. And now, after hours, I don't talk about programming, and my friends also know that I don't like these topics. And they themselves also try not to talk about work. Also tired. Which of these do I want to highlight? I want to emphasize that the enthusiasm caused by getting into the IT field is good. And if you are a beginner June, then of course it is better to use this enthusiasm to good use. But then you need to learn how to balance and clearly draw the line between work and life. If you're not a geek, which is most likely then you don't want to turn your life into constant programming and work. Therefore, you need to find a balance. I highly recommend finding a hobby. For example, I go karting with my friends and started going to extreme driving courses. It helps to cheer up and clear the brain. It's just that cafes, cinemas and walks get bored over time (there are no more new establishments or routes in the city), and you start to mope. Sport is also a very important part. Due to the fact that we still have a more sedentary style of work, we need to have a certain amount of physical activity. I'm not talking about bodybuilding, but doing light exercises in the gym is very useful. Swimming, in my opinion, is a very good option. But the main thing is to keep a balance and not run into something. For me, this is hard to do. If I focus on something then pru without stopping. So you need to know the measure. And take care of your health. I highly recommend getting checked out once a year. By the age of thirty, you will begin to notice that health is no longer for 20 years. The sooner you start taking care of your body, the better it will be for you. And cheaper. Both in terms of time and money. By the way, I recommend considering money exactly as converted time. As for me, this makes them wiser to dispose of. Because this conversion is one-sided. Time is the most valuable resource for a normal person. Well, if you have anxiety or a difficult situation in life, I recommend that you contact a psychotherapist. No joke, very helpful. You don't talk to your friends like that. There are things that are difficult to admit even to oneself. And a psychotherapist is a person who will not judge you, and whose task is to help you. I have never told anyone everything that torments me in the form in which I laid it out to the psychotherapist. And it helped me a lot. It turned out that I am a normal person with normal problems... Yes. The therapist says what we already know, but there is one big BUT. He asks the right questions at the right time, while you yourself cannot ask them like that, and, accordingly, you cannot break the internal conflict. And if you don't break it, it will flash all the time, even when you don't think about it. The only point is that it is important to find your specialist. I did not immediately find the right one for me. During the first two sessions, you will understand whether it suits you or not. My indicator was that after the session I came out without anxiety and more peaceful. So, as you can see, the nervous system is a complex and interesting thing. She can tolerate your inattention for a long time, but at one point he will say “sorry, dude, I have a serious conversation with you.” As a result: balance, do not run out of steam. Working as a proger is often just a job. This is not a fairy tale. Yes, the work is not dusty and it pays well. And it is thanks to her that I can afford expensive treatment and psychotherapy sessions. And expensive rest, of course, and a hobby. But it's just work. Therefore, one should not forget to live. Otherwise, at one moment you will look back and realize that you do not remember what happened over the past years. Because you've only had a job over the years. But I will not end sad, especially since there is nothing to be sad about. In fact, this is all experience and it shows that there is always a way out and you need to want to find it. No need to think that everything will be bad. I always thought that ahead everything would be fine anyway. Even in very difficult times. And I recommend that you do the same. Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 Everything is surmountable if you believe in the best and try to do everything possible to achieve this. I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 I mentioned only a small fraction of the shitty things from my childhood and adolescence, as an example of the fact that I had little reason to become a normal person, but I hope that in the context of my life up to this day, I have become so. And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 And I achieved what I aspired to. And I still have a lot of things ahead of me that I want to see, try, what I want to learn and what I want to feel. I want to discover even more reasons to move forward. I still have enough of them, but I know for sure that there is no limit. If it exists, it is only in the head. So no matter the circumstances, never give up, believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉 believe in the best and strive for it. And with due perseverance, you will achieve everything. So Good Luck!✊ Continued 👉The path of the switcher in IT v3.0 "May the Force be with you" 🖖 (I know that this is a symbol from Star Trek 😄) 