Every day we hear “no” addressed to us: for one reason or another we may be refused - at work, in a relationship, on the street or in a store. It would seem that such a simple thing as refusal should not cause any special emotions. But this is only at first glance. Remember when you were told “no” in really important things: an old friend sharply refused to help, for example, with moving, someone else was hired for a desired vacancy, or your promising project at work was “turned down.” In such cases, we experience mental pain, which, according to some scientific studies, can resemble physical pain. A study by University of Michigan researchers found that the same networks of neurons that fire when hot coffee burns your tongue also fire when you think about the loved one who rejected you. This is why it is so difficult for many people to start something new: get a job, propose changes to an existing position, or ask the person they like on a date. In this article, we will look at where the roots of the fear of rejection come from and what to do so that it does not interfere with your career.
How does rejection affect a person?
According to research from Case University of Ohio, rejection has a powerful effect on the human psyche, reducing our IQ and ability to think analytically, and increasing levels of aggression. “This tells us a lot about human nature. It seems that people are really designed to get along with others, and when a person is rejected, it greatly affects him,” says scientist Roy Baumeister. Moreover, even ostracism from a group of people you don’t like or are unpleasant still affects your condition. People who are expelled from such a group are upset by the rejection and subsequently have less self-control. Even short, seemingly harmless episodes of rejection can sting our ego. In a Purdue University study , Professor Eric Wasselman and his colleagues found that when study participants walked past a stranger who seemed to look “through” them rather than making eye contact with them, the subjects experienced less social interaction than the people they met. looked into the eyes. According to Wasselman, it is very difficult to find life situations in which rejection would not be painful.
Where does fear of rejection come from?
One version of the formation of fear of rejection is based on the fact that society is a necessary environment for human survival. No matter how smart people are, we have long relied on social groups to survive. Like hunger or thirst, our need for acceptance has become a survival mechanism. With modern conveniences, a person can physically survive alone. But thanks to millions of years of natural selection, being rejected still hurts. This is not just a metaphor. Naomi Eisenberger, Ph.D., of UCLA, Kipling Williams, Ph.D., of Purdue University, and colleagues found that social rejection activates many of the same brain regions that cause physical pain. There is another version of the origin of the fear of failure or rejection. Some of the roots of this fear may stem from a person's childhood, when important figures (such as parents) often rejected his requests or ignored him. In this case, already in adulthood, situations of rejection, wherever they occur - in relationships or at work - will return the person to the childhood experience of rejection. It is important to understand where the fear of rejection comes from. In the future, this will help you make friends with him and weaken his influence on your life.
How to make friends with the fear of rejection?
Situations of failure can occur in different areas of life, but in this text we will focus on work. So what should you do if, going to an interview or offering something new to your boss, you experience a wild fear that you will be rejected?
Learn from mistakes
Instead of mourning the fact that you weren't hired, you should work on your mistakes. Let's say you apply for a job you really want and have a great interview but don't get the job. This may upset you at first. But it’s worth calming down, taking a break and analyzing: what am I doing wrong? It may not hurt to correct your resume, learn some theory, or perform a test task well. If you reframe your fear as an opportunity for growth, you'll have an easier time trying to achieve what you want and less pain if you fail. Try telling yourself, “This may not work, but if it doesn’t, I will have a meaningful experience and know more than I do.”
Keep things in perspective
If you're very sensitive to rejection, chances are you often imagine many worst-case scenarios. Let's say you were not hired for the chosen vacancy. You may start to worry that all the companies to which you have applied will not invite you to an interview or will invite you but still refuse. Then the ball of fear unwinds further, and you already imagine that you will never get the desired position, which means a good salary and a stable future. If you unwind further, you can even reach the “I’ll die under the fence” stage. This type of negative thought spiral is called catastrophizing and usually such thoughts are very far from reality. Consider making a couple of actionable plans for yourself if you get rejected, and come up with counter-arguments to some of your main concerns.
Find out what really scares you about rejection
Learning what's really behind your fear of rejection can help you cope with your anxiety. Maybe you're worried about being rejected by potential employers because you feel financially insecure and don't have a Plan B? Developing several possible strategies in case you don't find the right job right away can help.
Face your fear
Of course, if you don't try, you won't experience failure. But it is also true that you are unlikely to achieve your goals. You may face rejection, but maybe not. We recommend creating a “fear hierarchy,” or a list of steps related to your fear of rejection, and working through them one at a time. This is part of exposure therapy , where you gradually face your fear without trying to avoid it. Such therapy includes relaxation techniques, creating a hierarchy of fears, and getting in touch with fear. This type of therapy can be done with a psychotherapist or on your own.
Rely on the support of loved ones
Spending time with people who care about you can reinforce your knowledge that you are truly needed. Warm and close relationships give us support when we try to achieve our goals and comfort when our efforts are not successful. Knowing that your loved ones have your back no matter what happens, the possibility of rejection may seem less daunting. I would consider the topic of fear of rejection when applying for a job from the perspective of the topic of fear of rejection in general. Because the fear of refusal can be when applying for a job, when presenting your ideas to your current manager, when we offer initiative in friendship, or other interpersonal relationships. Often behind the fear of rejection is the fear of rejection. When we fear rejection, we are often afraid that we will be rejected, that we will not be accepted, that we are not needed and that there is something wrong with us. Refusal as such highlights the attitude that we are not ok, that we are not suitable, they want someone instead of us. When we are told “no,” we understand that someone else is being told “yes.” If you look at where the roots of fear go, they are often found in childhood. If there was a place for rejection in the child-parent relationship and the child often felt that his parents were rejecting him because something was wrong with him, then a certain pattern of behavior is preserved, which this child carries into adulthood. In adulthood, the child “puts on” the “clothes” of his parents for the authority figures around him and is just as afraid of this rejection from them. In a career, these are senior management and mentors. Childhood traumas are difficult to work through on your own. If there is an understanding that the fear of refusal when applying for a job is blocking the initiative to look for this job, I would recommend contacting a psychotherapist or psychologist in order to work through childhood traumas and realize why you do this, why you choose to be afraid and stay in place, and not act. Because it’s difficult to find the thread on your own where the fear of rejection comes from. Another important point is that the fear of rejection is often associated with self-esteem, because people who have self-worth, have a feeling that they are okay, are not seriously hurt by rejection. Often people with adequate self-esteem consider refusal as a situation when they offered something, but the offer did not suit them, so they go on looking further - where it will fit. The fear of rejection can also be looked at from the perspective of the topic of boundaries. If a person does not defend his own boundaries and does not know how to say “no,” then he is sensitive to being told “no.” If in life a person is very comfortable, very suitable, it means that in childhood he learned to adapt to his parents so much that later in adulthood he adapts to everyone and says “yes” to everyone. In this case, it is painful for him to hear someone else’s “no”. For him this is a disappointment: how is it possible that I agree to everything, but they refuse me? And this, unfortunately, also goes back to childhood, when we learn certain patterns of behavior and retain them even into adulthood. Anyone who learns to say “no” receives a variety of answers and results in his picture of the world. Then he can accept this diversity even in a situation where he is told “no”. What can you do on your own if you are afraid of rejection? I would advise you to stop and analyze what is happening to you at the moments when this fear sets in. Putting the situation into puzzles to find the necessary meanings and answers in these details. Because behind fear there may be beliefs that you are not okay. In the body you can feel the emotions in which these answers can be found. In addition to fear, anger can be born, which, for example, has actually been sitting in your body for a long time and is directed at your parents, who constantly devalued you. You need to look at this situation and try to separate yourself as a person from your competencies, knowledge and skills, from what you offer at the interview. Of course, who I am at the interview is me, but they reject me not as a person with whom something is wrong and who needs to be fixed, but rather because my experience is not suitable, rather because the companies with whom I did not work on target. Then you can look at refusal from a completely different perspective. And then the refusal will not affect self-esteem. If a company, for example, refuses me because my English level is low, then everything is okay with me in this place, I just need to improve my English in order to come to work at this company. Do you experience fear of rejection during your job search? Share your opinions in the comments.
A study by University of Michigan researchers found that the same networks of neurons that fire when hot coffee burns your tongue also fire when you think about the loved one who rejected you. This is why it is so difficult for many people to start something new: get a job, propose changes to an existing position, or ask the person they like on a date. In this article, we will look at where the roots of the fear of rejection come from and what to do so that it does not interfere with your career.
I would consider the topic of fear of rejection when applying for a job from the perspective of the topic of fear of rejection in general. Because the fear of refusal can be when applying for a job, when presenting your ideas to your current manager, when we offer initiative in friendship, or other interpersonal relationships. Often behind the fear of rejection is the fear of rejection. When we fear rejection, we are often afraid that we will be rejected, that we will not be accepted, that we are not needed and that there is something wrong with us. Refusal as such highlights the attitude that we are not ok, that we are not suitable, they want someone instead of us. When we are told “no,” we understand that someone else is being told “yes.” If you look at where the roots of fear go, they are often found in childhood. If there was a place for rejection in the child-parent relationship and the child often felt that his parents were rejecting him because something was wrong with him, then a certain pattern of behavior is preserved, which this child carries into adulthood. In adulthood, the child “puts on” the “clothes” of his parents for the authority figures around him and is just as afraid of this rejection from them. In a career, these are senior management and mentors. Childhood traumas are difficult to work through on your own. If there is an understanding that the fear of refusal when applying for a job is blocking the initiative to look for this job, I would recommend contacting a psychotherapist or psychologist in order to work through childhood traumas and realize why you do this, why you choose to be afraid and stay in place, and not act. Because it’s difficult to find the thread on your own where the fear of rejection comes from. Another important point is that the fear of rejection is often associated with self-esteem, because people who have self-worth, have a feeling that they are okay, are not seriously hurt by rejection. Often people with adequate self-esteem consider refusal as a situation when they offered something, but the offer did not suit them, so they go on looking further - where it will fit. The fear of rejection can also be looked at from the perspective of the topic of boundaries. If a person does not defend his own boundaries and does not know how to say “no,” then he is sensitive to being told “no.” If in life a person is very comfortable, very suitable, it means that in childhood he learned to adapt to his parents so much that later in adulthood he adapts to everyone and says “yes” to everyone. In this case, it is painful for him to hear someone else’s “no”. For him this is a disappointment: how is it possible that I agree to everything, but they refuse me? And this, unfortunately, also goes back to childhood, when we learn certain patterns of behavior and retain them even into adulthood. Anyone who learns to say “no” receives a variety of answers and results in his picture of the world. Then he can accept this diversity even in a situation where he is told “no”. What can you do on your own if you are afraid of rejection? I would advise you to stop and analyze what is happening to you at the moments when this fear sets in. Putting the situation into puzzles to find the necessary meanings and answers in these details. Because behind fear there may be beliefs that you are not okay. In the body you can feel the emotions in which these answers can be found. In addition to fear, anger can be born, which, for example, has actually been sitting in your body for a long time and is directed at your parents, who constantly devalued you. You need to look at this situation and try to separate yourself as a person from your competencies, knowledge and skills, from what you offer at the interview. Of course, who I am at the interview is me, but they reject me not as a person with whom something is wrong and who needs to be fixed, but rather because my experience is not suitable, rather because the companies with whom I did not work on target. Then you can look at refusal from a completely different perspective. And then the refusal will not affect self-esteem. If a company, for example, refuses me because my English level is low, then everything is okay with me in this place, I just need to improve my English in order to come to work at this company. Do you experience fear of rejection during your job search? Share your opinions in the comments.
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